Today wasn't the greatest day.
It isn't that today was an exceptionally bad day either. I am not unhappy and I am not distraught, but it just didn't feel great from the very beginning.
I woke up at 7 am this morning, awakened by a mistaken alarm setting by K, and I quickly began thinking about the progress I have made on my business. I began to worry that I was not nearly as close to my goals as I had hoped. I entered the half-delirious dream state where anxiety dominates clear thinking and you float along on the surface of emotion, not able to surface into wakefulness and rationality. What if this is me failing? What if this was not the right choice? What if I'm just not really cut out for doing something meaningful in my life, and I am doomed to some sort of lazy mediocrity? What is holding me back? Why can't I stop being such a goddamn coward and get out there and push and fight and shout at the world It's not in me, but it needs to be. And it will be. But jesus christ am I not inherently built for this.
Anyhow, I woke up at 7 am and ran straight to the gym. My workout was lackluster at best. I gave up on sets one or two reps too early, I didn't push too hard, I didn't work up my lungs at all during the lift. It was just going through the motions. Strike two.
I came home and roused M., who is in town for the week, in theory to help me code an application plug-in for my website, which is being built in Wordpress. I had intended on introducing him to the immense joys of riding a bicycle over the bridge to work, but my bike, Leopold had been stolen the night before. I walked into a football game at 8:20 pm, locking my bike on busy 3rd Street, with my helmet attached to the lock. I walked out at 10:30, lock laying coiled around the signpost, helmet still appended, bicycle gone, lock cleanly cut through with a single chop. FUCKING SAVAGES. This is the second bicycle I've had stolen. First, Marjorine. Now, Leopold. What do these people look like? Who is stealing MY bikes? What type of person walks down a street and steals a deeply personal possession from another human being? What savage am I going to beat senselessly if I ever see them? It is so deeply disappointing.
The real issue today was the disaster resulting from examining the front end/back end issue in depth. I spent 2 or 3 hours today just hashing out whether the back-end of the website could be an application appended to the Wordpress front-end or whether we had to build an independent web application with a pure html/css front-end. We were beset by a plague of problems on all sides. No matter which way we turned, we were completely blocked and facing painful and potentially disastrous consequences. We went from a Wordpress Front end with php backend to a full asp.net back-end with html/css front end back to the wordpress/php compromise to a full ruby on rails backend with html/css front-end, with 3 days wasted and 3 weeks of ruby education completely squandered. Moreover, I faced my third month of work on Villager and have realized that we are completely starting over and I am still no closer to a company, a product, a team or an alternative model. It's scary. Everything is in flux.
I have not lost faith in the model - not for a second. I'm just losing a little faith in my own courage.
It isn't that today was an exceptionally bad day either. I am not unhappy and I am not distraught, but it just didn't feel great from the very beginning.
I woke up at 7 am this morning, awakened by a mistaken alarm setting by K, and I quickly began thinking about the progress I have made on my business. I began to worry that I was not nearly as close to my goals as I had hoped. I entered the half-delirious dream state where anxiety dominates clear thinking and you float along on the surface of emotion, not able to surface into wakefulness and rationality. What if this is me failing? What if this was not the right choice? What if I'm just not really cut out for doing something meaningful in my life, and I am doomed to some sort of lazy mediocrity? What is holding me back? Why can't I stop being such a goddamn coward and get out there and push and fight and shout at the world It's not in me, but it needs to be. And it will be. But jesus christ am I not inherently built for this.
Anyhow, I woke up at 7 am and ran straight to the gym. My workout was lackluster at best. I gave up on sets one or two reps too early, I didn't push too hard, I didn't work up my lungs at all during the lift. It was just going through the motions. Strike two.
I came home and roused M., who is in town for the week, in theory to help me code an application plug-in for my website, which is being built in Wordpress. I had intended on introducing him to the immense joys of riding a bicycle over the bridge to work, but my bike, Leopold had been stolen the night before. I walked into a football game at 8:20 pm, locking my bike on busy 3rd Street, with my helmet attached to the lock. I walked out at 10:30, lock laying coiled around the signpost, helmet still appended, bicycle gone, lock cleanly cut through with a single chop. FUCKING SAVAGES. This is the second bicycle I've had stolen. First, Marjorine. Now, Leopold. What do these people look like? Who is stealing MY bikes? What type of person walks down a street and steals a deeply personal possession from another human being? What savage am I going to beat senselessly if I ever see them? It is so deeply disappointing.
The real issue today was the disaster resulting from examining the front end/back end issue in depth. I spent 2 or 3 hours today just hashing out whether the back-end of the website could be an application appended to the Wordpress front-end or whether we had to build an independent web application with a pure html/css front-end. We were beset by a plague of problems on all sides. No matter which way we turned, we were completely blocked and facing painful and potentially disastrous consequences. We went from a Wordpress Front end with php backend to a full asp.net back-end with html/css front end back to the wordpress/php compromise to a full ruby on rails backend with html/css front-end, with 3 days wasted and 3 weeks of ruby education completely squandered. Moreover, I faced my third month of work on Villager and have realized that we are completely starting over and I am still no closer to a company, a product, a team or an alternative model. It's scary. Everything is in flux.
I have not lost faith in the model - not for a second. I'm just losing a little faith in my own courage.
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