Today was unremarkable in almost all respects. I got myself into lots of random small-talk involving geography, past lives, future plans, and all of those other things that we probably don't even know about each other. It's always so interesting to try and pick apart what makes a relationship work...or what makes a relationship at all. Personally, I feel like a relationship truly begins the moment some event, some comment, or some topic pushes at the edge of civility and enters a risk zone of sorts. Usually that involves a person making a self-deprecating racist comment (preferably about chinese people or jews), or when a heated political debate begins, or someone makes fun of the other person and notices that the other person doesn't take it badly. So far my interactions on that count have been pretty bad.
Today was the same old bullshit we do everywhere. Introduction by the Dean, a speech by the Dean of Admissions who lists off the accomplishments of all of the people who are here (notably "Singer/Songwriter" of a college rock band was the first on his list). Strangely, the list of things these people had done was unremarkable. Usually at those little intros I'm struck with a "Holy shit I do NOT belong here" feeling...but this time I was just kinda like "alright, well that's cool." Then we had the speech about jobs, IT help, registrar class bullshit, a panel of 3L transfers, and all the normal administrative B.S. that goes on at these things. Nothing remarkable at all.
It's always amazing how the mythical places of the world turn out to be so mundane (Duke, Harvard, the Jama Masjid etc.) while the normal things in life that everyone experiences are so radical and shocking (falling in love, facing death etc). Harvard is just another school. The buildings are nice, and the classrooms are intimidating (symbolized by the fact that there are microphones next to every single student's seat in the lecture halls), and all that jazz...but there is no feeling of legend, of oldness, of tradition. The buildings look pretty much as if they have all been built in the last 20 years. Duke looks older than Harvard Law (although clearly Duke is trying to look old). The people generally appear to be nice and amiable and don't appear to be huge assholes yet...so that's a plus too. I do love the administrators, who seem to be humble, down to earth people who truly care about progress and wiping out the potentially festering whorishness of the legal profession, and I'm glad they're at the rudders.
As for my social life...I made a pretty big mistake. Tonight was the first, and possibly only, transfer happy hour where everyone was supposed to get together at a bar, have a drink, meet, mingle, and build relationships. When I arrived 30 minutes late, I went to an empty part of the bar to get a drink and got sucked into a conversation with a new incoming 1L student and his wife/girlfriend/fiancee/common law spouse/living in sin partner...and it was a great conversation...except that all of the transfer students were about 15 feet away getting to know each other. 2 hours later, I left that conversation and tried to mingle with the transfers but noticed that they had securely crammed themselves into packs into booths and were engaged in lively conversations. Instead of standing around like the douchebag I am...I decided not to push it and take any risks or make any effort and I left the bar. So...instead of meeting all my future compadres who presumably will be my social group...I left the bar and came home to write on my blog instead. (Turns out i like blogging. I doubt you like reading...but boy do I enjoy some illusion that people care about my life.)
All in all though, I'd say things are going ok so far. I'm not desperate for friends and I don't think that I will be totally alone in this place...but I certainly haven't made any friends yet.
Oh...and for Roger:
Attractive Women: 1 (who is actually a 3L with a boyfriend who was on the panel telling us what it is like to be a transfer)
Less Attractive: Everyone else.
And for the curious...I got a taste of where kids came from today...here's a list of what I can recall:
Villanova
Florida State
Penn (at least 2)
Georgetown
Boston College
Boston University
Columbia (why!?)
Iowa
Illinois
Michigan
Texas
Duke
Cornell
George Washington
UConn
So our hypothesis that I would be the student from the lowest ranked school was wrong.
Anyway....now for the good news. My woman is coming to visit! I can't tell you how thrilled I am that she is going to come up and see me! It's so exciting because I have a new apartment to set up, arrange, decorate, and turn into a home...and I get to have her come up and help me with it! Fanfuckingtastic! That's all. It's lonely sometimes, but how can you be lonely with a woman like that in your life? I highly recommend it. Find yourself a nice little white girl who happens to be amazing, and run with it.
'Tis all for today. I shall go rearrange things in my apartment.
And if you don't post comments, at least keep in touch through other means.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Fear.
Looking through the course guide (which resembled an undergraduate course selection from Duke with all these fluffly names, titles, and stuff)...I suddenly feel terrified about this decision that I've made. These courses look TERRIFYING. They look fluffy in some places, incredibly dry in others, but each and every one just looks scary and intimidating. I would like to crawl back home to Wash U where I know the students, I know the building, professors, and life there...and be comfortable again. This is some scary shit. I have to submit letters and resumes for half the fucking classes. Ugh....
Cambridge: The Next Morning.
Well, today was a dreary fucking day. Not like, emotionally or anything like that...but the whether was just plain nasty, in that limbo between rain and misting. It rained enough to be really irritating, but not enough to actually make me use an umbrella. It was just an altogether dreary, grey day. I took a long walk all the way down to Harvard Law School (15 minutes or so), made quick stops at the financial aid and career services offices, and then promptly left campus to do something more productive (like scurry back to the Dunkin' Donuts I walked past on the way there). That just about sums up my day though. I walked for about 3 hours...rented Weeds and the finale of Arrested Development at Blockbuster, passed out on my bed trying to watch TV in the middle of the afternoon, ate dinner with my landlady, and here I am...posting about the mundanity of it all...just biding my time 'til I start watching Weeds.
I'm not really sure what to make of tomorrow. Clearly, I'm apprehensive. I don't like groups of people. I don't like introducing myself. I don't like running out of things to say. I really don't like making small talk. I don't like looking at groups of people who have segregated themselves into small groups of conversation so that it's impossible to talk to people. I hate being in situations where I am expected to be social and meet people...and I hate being acutely aware of my distaste for all of these things. In reality, things have always been ok. Duke turned out fine, India turned out fine, Wash U turned out spectacularly, and now is just another step. I just hate it. In any case, I'm going to get some sleep (after watching TV) and grit my teeth and get through it. Maybe I'll come back stunned and excited about the upcoming year, and maybe I'll come home with such a sense of relief that the fiasco is over and that I won't have to deal with it until Sept. 6. Who knows. But I guess we'll all find out tomorrow, won't we?
I'm not really sure what to make of tomorrow. Clearly, I'm apprehensive. I don't like groups of people. I don't like introducing myself. I don't like running out of things to say. I really don't like making small talk. I don't like looking at groups of people who have segregated themselves into small groups of conversation so that it's impossible to talk to people. I hate being in situations where I am expected to be social and meet people...and I hate being acutely aware of my distaste for all of these things. In reality, things have always been ok. Duke turned out fine, India turned out fine, Wash U turned out spectacularly, and now is just another step. I just hate it. In any case, I'm going to get some sleep (after watching TV) and grit my teeth and get through it. Maybe I'll come back stunned and excited about the upcoming year, and maybe I'll come home with such a sense of relief that the fiasco is over and that I won't have to deal with it until Sept. 6. Who knows. But I guess we'll all find out tomorrow, won't we?
Cambridge.
So I have arrived. After two grueling days of driving, covering roughly 1300 miles from St. Louis to Cambridge in a car stuffed to the absolute gills by my Jew Buddy's industrious stuffing of clothing, pots, pans, glassware, television, and guitars, and essentially an ENTIRE apartment into a reliable Korean (Alabaman?) Hyundai Sonata. I haven't changed clothes in four days, probably smoked about 3 packs of cigarettes, listened to Top-40 radio to stay awake (Justin Timberlake's song sucks really really hard by the way), drank and ate my way through pounds of grease, sugar, and caffeine, and am now ready for orientation.
I did have a good time listening to my brand new Barnes & Noble Professors/Lectures on CD...which was basically a long lecture on macroeconomics. That stuff is fascinating. I realized that all of my political views on economic policy have been radically skewed by political rhetoric by the jackass soundbites on each side and the uninformed arguments given by people I argue with...liberal or conservative. Of course, I fall squarely into the uninformed group myself. The warring schools of Classical economics, Keynesianism, Monetarism, New Classicism, and Supply-Side economics are all very different. It doesn't fall into a simple right/left dichotomy of free-markets v. regulated/centralized markets. Instead it breaks down into all sorts of mini-rifts and splits between and within schools of thought. It's really quite fascinating. I'll probably talk more about this as time goes on and I learn more, integrate into my thinking better, and get a real grasp for what's going on...so I'll stop for now. But I will say one thing: It's really hard to believe that the jackass politicians actually understand this stuff. Or at least the modern day ones. I understand teams and teams of advisers making these policies, but I simply cannot imagine George W. Bush having any idea about the differences in Keynesian and Supply-Side tax cuts and the effects on the economy...or understanding the dire consequences of his decisions. Anyway...
What's really on my mind is leaving my girl. There's really no point in trying to elaborate the depth and appreciation I have for my relationship with her. It's simply fantastic. It is what it is, and it is great...through and through. Of course like any relationship it's riddled with its own frustrations and problems...but, hot damn again, it's something that I look forward to in all of its little manifestations...whether it's cooking terrible concoctions of refrigerator scraps in fat-free generic italian dressing or going to the nicest restaurant in st. louis, or taking a long car trip...my quality of life has been immensely improved by her mere presence. It is my hope that such a beneficial presence not necessarily have to be a close physical proximity, and that a relationship between two people is more intangible than that. I believe it is...and instead of absolutely dreading the misery of the distance, I revel in the possibilities it holds...even if it is terribly depressing and disappointing to have so little time together. I'll cut this short here to avoid going on for pages and pages.
At this point, I'm still acutely self-aware of the fact that I have a blog now. And I'm not sure who I'm writing to...whether I'm writing to an invisible audience, or whether I'm writing to people I imagine would read this, or whether I'm simply talking in the third person to myself...but I'm very aware of how self-indulgent this seems...and am going to see how this experiment goes. I assume that if you find this sort of crap terribly self-indulgent, that you won't bother reading it anymore...and that seems to be a nice little system of self-selection that will make me more comfortable doing this.
One last thing...is that if you DO read this...please feel free or encouraged to say anything you want in the comments. Like, ranting bank, or telling me I'm an idiot, or just anything. Anything (although preferably I'd prefer not to have my feelings hurt over and over again). I'm very bad at keeping in contact with people and hopefully this will provide some sort of basic, if inadequate, dialogue and interaction with the people in my life.
I did have a good time listening to my brand new Barnes & Noble Professors/Lectures on CD...which was basically a long lecture on macroeconomics. That stuff is fascinating. I realized that all of my political views on economic policy have been radically skewed by political rhetoric by the jackass soundbites on each side and the uninformed arguments given by people I argue with...liberal or conservative. Of course, I fall squarely into the uninformed group myself. The warring schools of Classical economics, Keynesianism, Monetarism, New Classicism, and Supply-Side economics are all very different. It doesn't fall into a simple right/left dichotomy of free-markets v. regulated/centralized markets. Instead it breaks down into all sorts of mini-rifts and splits between and within schools of thought. It's really quite fascinating. I'll probably talk more about this as time goes on and I learn more, integrate into my thinking better, and get a real grasp for what's going on...so I'll stop for now. But I will say one thing: It's really hard to believe that the jackass politicians actually understand this stuff. Or at least the modern day ones. I understand teams and teams of advisers making these policies, but I simply cannot imagine George W. Bush having any idea about the differences in Keynesian and Supply-Side tax cuts and the effects on the economy...or understanding the dire consequences of his decisions. Anyway...
What's really on my mind is leaving my girl. There's really no point in trying to elaborate the depth and appreciation I have for my relationship with her. It's simply fantastic. It is what it is, and it is great...through and through. Of course like any relationship it's riddled with its own frustrations and problems...but, hot damn again, it's something that I look forward to in all of its little manifestations...whether it's cooking terrible concoctions of refrigerator scraps in fat-free generic italian dressing or going to the nicest restaurant in st. louis, or taking a long car trip...my quality of life has been immensely improved by her mere presence. It is my hope that such a beneficial presence not necessarily have to be a close physical proximity, and that a relationship between two people is more intangible than that. I believe it is...and instead of absolutely dreading the misery of the distance, I revel in the possibilities it holds...even if it is terribly depressing and disappointing to have so little time together. I'll cut this short here to avoid going on for pages and pages.
At this point, I'm still acutely self-aware of the fact that I have a blog now. And I'm not sure who I'm writing to...whether I'm writing to an invisible audience, or whether I'm writing to people I imagine would read this, or whether I'm simply talking in the third person to myself...but I'm very aware of how self-indulgent this seems...and am going to see how this experiment goes. I assume that if you find this sort of crap terribly self-indulgent, that you won't bother reading it anymore...and that seems to be a nice little system of self-selection that will make me more comfortable doing this.
One last thing...is that if you DO read this...please feel free or encouraged to say anything you want in the comments. Like, ranting bank, or telling me I'm an idiot, or just anything. Anything (although preferably I'd prefer not to have my feelings hurt over and over again). I'm very bad at keeping in contact with people and hopefully this will provide some sort of basic, if inadequate, dialogue and interaction with the people in my life.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Talking to myself.
The name of this blog and my signoff is clearly pretentious. It's sad, mainly because it is a deliberate attempt NOT to seem pretentious. Actually, maybe I'm just wrong and the reality is that the name is actually cliche as opposed to pretentious. In any case, on one of the most depressing days of your life, when you get worn down and decide to create a blog (actually, I created like 6), it's impossible to think of any names that don't involve various permutations of your own name or stupid puns. So I stuck with the simple and true...someone always trying to develop themselves in some way, shape, or form. And since my shape and form will always be tall and slightly softer than I'd like, I decided to stick with the development of my self...my mind. Thus, A Developing Mind. Chances are I will write on this thing twice. But then again, maybe not.
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