I would eat whatever I wanted, whenever the hell I wanted, and I did not exercise at all. Every night, immediately before I would go to bed, I would finish off an entire bag of something - oatmeal cookies, tortilla chips, potato chips, mom's biscotti, or something. I would honestly eat until my jaw hurt. And I would keep going, generally.
I smoked each time I stepped outside, before each class, after each class, on the walk to school, on the walk home from school, after each meal, when I woke up, and when I went to sleep, and with every coffee.
And I began to drink every night. I had to be out the door by 7:30 everyday, and I'm simply not a morning person, so I needed to find a way to put myself to sleep by midnight or 1. Red wine was the answer. A glass in the night would do, I'm Asian right? But one glass became two. And then two glasses became half a bottle a night. And a few nights, I realized I had emptied off a whole bottle. On a Tuesday evening no less. On every evening, actually. But, somehow I found the ability to draw a line at half a bottle a night. Such a feat of discipline!
Here's the trail of evidenceI also lost control of who I was. I lost the ability to make conversation. I lost my passion for anything. I stopped calling the children. I lost having my own dreams and ambitions. I lost my ability to have faith in myself, feeling it all being devoured by a growing sense of self-loathing and insecurity. I became distant, alienated, isolated, and friendless. My life was so alien to me. I had always worried that I wouldn't make friends. I had always worried about being isolated. But somehow, it always worked out.
Not my favorite placeIt didn't work out here. These are the last 6 months I didn't talk about.
I say this because I felt like I had hit rock bottom, and have now very determinedly begun to dig my way back to the surface and don't plan on sinking again. So wish me luck...
...and maybe someday when I finally get there, I will grow wings.
7 comments:
congratulations and all the best.
P.S. i have a blog too. i am not so regular though.
beans
Don't lose faith. You have a great life and a great girl.
DA
My advice:
Get some veg time. I could use some to. Tell me when you are back in the StL, and you and I will just fuck around for a day. We can even go funny hat shopping, although I don't particularly like to plan these things, just kinda let them develop on their own. Now pick a day bitch, and I'll whip you back into shape.
RS
P.S. Real men drink whisky every night.
P.P.S. I am macho
Who is Kromobikakh? Anyone?
Korobi, is that you? All I can glean is the Indianness, the excessive anger, the fact that someone referred to you as Koro, and that your first post was about the Indian Penal Code 377. And the fact that you signed "beans."
Thanks though, everyone. Though, I don't think it is strictly a problem of having all the right or wrong external factors. I think the problem is very internal...floating somewhere between psychology and sociological overload. It's just time to reassert the person who I think is a worthwhile human being. Not this pile of filth I became.
Actually, after reading some more of Kromobikakh's blog, I am almost certain it is you, Korobi. (for those of you who don't know, Korobi was a colleague and good friend of mine in Delhi when I was working there last summer.) What the fuck kinda name is that?
And No, Rawjer, you are not macho. You're a Jew. And, to be honest, after watching Beerfest last month, I've become a pretty steady beer drinker. I figure alcohol's gonna be the last habit I'm going to kick in this phase. (Currently, I'm on a hypocaloric diet, exercise 5 days a week, and smoke 3 cigarettes a day. Alcohol remains.)
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