New Year's Resolution: Well done.

As might have been noticed by everyone, I have become quite the Negative Nancy. Or Naysaying Nancy. Or Nattering Nabob of Negativism (hell yes it's a real phrase, though whether it is pronounced "Nuh-bob" or "Nay-bob" is still up for debate). My guess is that one of you should know exactly the origins of this phrase, and if that person does not, then I declare the right to levy charges of impotence against you from this day forward, not because there's any relevance to the claim, but just because I am.

Anyhow, back to the negativity. I have resolved, and not just because the New Year forced me to, that I should become less negative (or as someone keenly pointed out, I should become more positive.) I constantly try to undermine anything and everything that comes my way, whether it's firmly establishing myself as a hater at Harvard, feeling my life as a Hater of Harvard, or shitting all over the legal profession, or becoming increasingly critical of government and its facilitation of massive aggregations of wealth (though the alternatives remain yet unsatisfying), or simply bitching about everything and everyone. And the simple fact is that it is far easier, far simpler, and far more cowardly to simply be cynical and pessimistic about the universe than it is to hold out hope and attempt to find the good that exists and to stand for principles. Properly conceived, cynicism and pessimism are often the most self-destructive form of ideology. It is a diseased worldview, an insidious seductress that can neither be pushed away or rejected...because you will always find assholes, you will always find suffering, and you will always find evil. There will always be evidence to support your views.

The real point of all of this is that I had a breakdown of sorts yesterday. Ever since completely falling apart at the end of last semester, I've spent a lot of time evaluating my decision to come to Harvard. And though I'm aware of the responses people will have to the poor Harvard Law student who is unhappy with his life, I found myself so miserable yesterday that I was nearly in a panic. There's too much to go into, but academically, personally, spiritually (in a manner of speaking), professionally, and physically, most things have turned out very badly. I walk around this campus like a ghost, not talking to anyone, not recognizing anyone, not having friends I'll eventually meet up with, not having anyone to turn to if I need help, if I fall ill, if I want to try a restaurant: In short, I am isolated and much lonelier than I have ever felt. And it only seems to be me amongst even the boatload of transfers in this sea of students. I don't feel like explaining this any further...though I started writing this post with a view to explaining the origins and feelings of my breakdown yesterday...So...this post is now breaking down and I'm just going to stop.

Basically, my new year's resolution went straight down the tubes yesterday. And today I start over again trying to rebuild some semblance of a contented life.