Incredibly lame for the title of the post, I understand...but I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say that you probably don't even know what lame cliche/reference I'm making with the title. But who cares?
The main idea is that I'm fairly discontented with my move here to Cambridge. I don't feel like I made a good decision, and I don't think I'm actually any better off here than I was where I was happy...where things were good...and where life actually seemed worth living. I'm under the impression that all of the jobs I could have gotten at Wash U are out of my reach from Harvard because I'm now competing with 550 other Harvard students for the same jobs...and I don't have grades. I'm a big fat zero who barely qualifies as a Harvard student. I'm a technicality. (Of course they tell us that we'll be fine...but I don't think I came here to be "fine.")
Of course it's only been 10 days, so I guess I could give it a chance.
All things considered though, the past two weeks have been an isolating and lonely experience. Apart from the careful indifference of general interactions up here, I find myself not actually wanting to be out socializing. I feel a sense of anxiety and dread when I imagine attending a transfer function, and I actually get apprehensive checking my email because I don't want to find out that there is some sort of get together of transfers. And it's not because the transfers aren't nice people, it's just that I hate this specific type of effort...of meeting new people. Of struggling and fighting to build relationships with large groups of people whose natural inclination is to break off into their own pods of comfort zones...when you know deep down you probably don't have any real connection with them. I dunno. I've always suffered from mild to severe forms of social anxiety, and I feel like I've always just somehow fallen in with the right people and have been ok. This time, I feel the combined weight of social anxiety, fear, indifference, exhaustion, and bitterness all coalescing into this unstoppable force that has made me basically stay in my apartment and watch TV instead of going out with new people. And that's that. Since classes don't really start until tomorrow, I guess things really haven't started yet.
It'll be more accurate and more fair to post more about this in a few weeks instead of now...By that time I will have seen Ashley, classes will have started, I will have begun playing in a flag football team, I will have returned to St. Louis, and maybe I will have met some friends. Until then...things are just sorta depressing. And the only reason I really use that word is because I feel completely unwilling and unable to do anything about it.
4 comments:
I know its hard now, but just realize that its suppose to hard. The Dean of Duke law school has even written a book on transferring and how students need to have a very specific reason for why they are transferring (beyond better rankings) in order to be a happy, and successful transfer student. I think you're in the right boat of transfer kids- you went to Harvard for the specific reason that Harvard will give you more opportunities- opportunities outside the scope of 1L summer associate jobs. So, keep your head up. Its early and you havent even heard from employers yet. Things are going to work out, you're going to meet people (and I guarantee a ton of other transfer kids are in your same position- hanging out at home rather than mingling and forcing conversations), and you're going to be happy you made the decision you did- even if the best thing you get out of it is a realization that personal circumstances and comfort can matter and should at some point. You're ambitious and I dont think you're ready to be complacent and just "comfortable" where you are yet. I think you made the best desion and Ill leave you with these 2 reasons: 1) you're going to have a Harvard Law diploma and 2) if you had stayed you would have NEVER known what it was like and that lack of experience would have haunted you (and us) for the rest of your life.
Things are going to brighten up. We at least have a weekend to look forward to.
Love,
A
Haubenreich,
You have another blog? So this is the second blog you have that you don't use. Actually, if you count Burch Blog, this is 3. well done.
And I can't believe family guy is still central to your repertoire. That's amazing. (but the Disraeli bit was particularly awesome.)
That's ricockulous. Ridonkulous.
Do you use any of them?
Yellow Man,
It's from Richard III. "Now is the winter of our discontent". Some of us are educated you know. OK, my usual advice in any situation is either "don't do anything" or "begin to drink heavily" the later of which is poached from Animal House, which you probably haven't seen. Can't really think of anything apropos here. But there is at least one advantage to going to Harvard, your mom is happy. That you got two maps of New York State, both of which are correctly labeled.
RS
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