Reshuffling.

Nothing I'm writing here is really all that interesting, I'm sure. Basically I think that I've been sort of a mess, and I'm in a very fruitful process of fixing it. I really was just going to write a couple of sentences about how I'm reconstructing and remolding my life, but it just sorta kept going, so now there's just a sewer of consciousness that follows...I figure you'll only read if you cared anyway...

So the stark reality is that my life has been all confused and disorderly for awhile now. I am not going to go into any details, but things have been very difficult for the past few months, and I have not been happy. More than not being happy, I refused to recognize much of my own unhappiness and simply never took a moment to be even the slightest bit introspective about what was happening in my life. On the surface, I drank a lot, smoked a lot of cigarettes, ate a lot of crappy food, didn't sleep, and did not do my work. I no longer sought understanding of my courses, but merely did my readings without a second though. My life felt entirely undisciplined, and it was very unrewarding.

I am not quite the person that I want to be, and the person that I was when I was most myself, and most happy just to be me. I have lost track of myself at times and have once again gone adrift. I float by on a patchwork of fleeting desires and instinctive impulses without foundation or principle. I want to be clear though, that this is nothing dreary or existential. Despite the fact that I was living entirely on the surface, the presence of good friends and a vibrant social life for the first time at Harvard has actually made me quite happy. For the first time, Harvard introduced me to a life where I did not feel like I knew any good people. And I'm glad that now I do.

One thing I am very happy about is that I am rediscovering the essential acts of living. More than anything else, understanding the value of simple acts of living was the most important lesson I learned in India. These are the moments in my life when I feel like I am in total control. When I am entirely on my own time and in my own space. And I feel entirely satisfied.

I love taking time to slowly and deliberately clean my home. I love sweeping the corners, wiping the counters, and arranging the pots and pans. I love to go grocery shopping in the local market down the street and coming home loaded down with apples, asparagus, shallots, shiitakes, fresh baby greens, clementines, garlic, and string beans (that's what I got this wednesday). I like to wash and clean fresh vegetables and whip them into a never fully-satisfying but always-healthy meals. I love chopping garlic into little pieces and throwing them into a sizzling pan of olive oil. I love washing my clothes, with the exception of my terrifying basement, and folding them and hanging them up. I love buying potted plants and flowers and placing them around the apartment. (incidentally, I have the blackest thumb ever. my apartment is where plants come to die.)

When I get into these moments and these moods, it's so bizarre, but my movements slow down. I walk through the grocery store without any urgency. I pick up an apple and examine it slowly, and calmly place it into my basket. I don't throw anything, and I don't drop anything into a bag. I walk back from the grocery with deliberation and careful slow steps. I wait at stop lights and don't charge into the street to beat the oncoming traffic. I watch other people on the streets, peer into the cars of people driving by, and catch glimpses of people in their homes. I become very quiet. I take out my headphones and just listen to what's around me. I act like an old man. But in these moments, I am always content. I am always thankful. I become entirely grossed in the deliberate acts of living, and it's wonderful.

This must have been the boringest thing I've ever posted here...when all I really needed to say is I like being a traditional housewife to myself. I don't even know where I was going with all of this anymore...oh well.

I do think that giving up meat for about a month, and then giving up cigarettes for the past 3 weeks have definitely had an impact on me. I feel different now. I no longer feel weak. I no longer feel like a wretch who is entirely consumed by vice. In fact, I feel proud of myself and I have faith in myself. And I think it has been awhile since I've honestly been able to feel like I'm on the right track. So....yeah.

Now it's time to go to the gym. I would continue to ramble, but I'm not even sure what I was writing about in the first place. Basically, I think I'm doing well and finding some peace. And I'm thankful for it. And I thought I'd share that with you.