Depending on whether you're a normal human being, that is, whether or not you also rightly believe that slugs are indeed either God's cruel joke against feet or Satan's ghastly minions, you may or may not find this post to be appalling. Actually, you'll probably find this post appalling no matter what, because either 1) You love all of God's creatures and think I'm a horrible person for what I do to them, or 2) You hate slugs and want me to stop talking about this.
To start, I would like to institute a "Slug Body Count" to keep track of how many slugs have been slaughtered on my front porch. If it helps, you can think of me as another Hellboy, or John Constantine, or any appropriate super-hero vigilante doing what he can to fight evil. (I actually once fancied myself a vigilante against those who picked on Chinese kids. Although it never came to fruition, I came to this conclusion about my role in this world in 8th grade. I was just walking through the hallway when I saw a white 7th grader walk past one of the nerdy 6th Chinese kids I knew, reach out and squeeze his banana, laugh with all of his other white buddies, and walk off. I vowed to kill him. I did not.)
In any case, Slug Body Count: 10 (5 yesterday)
So last night I came home...and saw another HUGE FUCKER. Here he is. I had to use a Nickel this time, because it seemed like this was not going to stop and I was not going to continue to waste quarters. Plus, I would prefer to not attract bums to the steady string of coins.
Anyhow, I was pissed. So I gingerly shined my light around to look for others, and made it through the battlefield of my front walk into my house and grabbed my trusty Mortons. And then took special care to stay on the first step of my front porch to avoid stepping on any slugs who might be on the actual ground below. And then I commenced pouring. Action shot! (notice the salt is actually being poured on the left)
So while dousing Nickel Slug, I glanced over on the ground and...saw something move: It was a smaller slug. Tip of the Morton to ya laddie!
And...then...wait...wait wait wait WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!! Is.....that a slug on the STAIR!?
(vomits, shudders, and skin crawls) [Pours Salt]....but...if that slug made it onto the stair...could...OTHER slugs have also...? [lifts shoe]
AGH FUCKING GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??! OH GOD THERE WERE TWO!!!! OH! AH! GOD! FUCK! FUCK! OH THERE'S A FLOWER STUCK TO MY SHOE BY SLUG GOO! Oh the humanity!(for a graphic depiction of my reaction, see this video between :50 and 1:30 - Remember when Ace Ventura figures out that Einhorn is a man and has to purge himself? Yeah.)
Five. FIVE Slugs. Two smashed under my shoe.
Despite the triviality...I repeat, as I do: God is not cool.
(Joey? Shall I set it up - 300 in 6 months? Anyone else you think wants in? Anyone else? Nik?)
3 comments:
squeeze his banana? that's what she said.
again, your fascination/fear of slugs made me laugh out loud. at work. while i'm supposed to be looking at financial information, which i doubt anyone would find humorous. so thanks for entertaining me and potentially putting my cushy job in jeopardy all at once.
the 300 for the last half of the year is already set up. i can get joel to invite you. i am not sure if it will retroactively count your runs from july 1 - to present, but it might. just send me your email used for nike plus in a comment that i won't publish or via facebook.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slug_tape
Post a Comment