Topic 1:
I feel so apathetic these days. I completely lack positive energy of any sort, and I don't know why. I'm still reactive to things that anger me, whether it's political, social or personal, but I lack any affirmative energy...positive feelings. It's really hard to do anything, from work to working out to jobs to interviews to my entire fucking future, without giving a shit. And I simply don't give a shit. It bothers me. But I'm too bitter to do anything about it...
Topic 2:
I saw the movie "Jesus Camp." The movie was just a documentary following major figures in a religious evangelical camp for children and the broader implications of evangelicals in American politics and life. Strangely, the movie did little more than just reminded me of my life. The movie itself was not that great...it was selectively edited, it thought it was more provocative than it actually was, and although highlighting the disgusting nature of the political evangelical movement...it didn't really bring anything new to light. It didn't change my perspective on the world, but merely deepened an understanding that I have held for years.Two reasons?
1) I spent a year immersed in extreme evangelical Christian life while I was with Karen. I heard continued prayers about covering us "in your blood Lord," about God's plan, God's will...I saw children in orphanges and churches speaking in tongues, weeping during prayer, convulsions of those seized with the spirit. I sang Christian songs. I sat and stared at the God Channel. I was involved in prayer 2-5 times a day. I went to an enormous evangelical rally involving a total of 3 million people over 3 days where the healer and preacher Benny Hinn sang and preached to a crowd of Indians. I watched millions of hands raised in the air to receive healing from Jesus.
And I went to church every single week.Today I realize that they simply copy the Americans. Evangelicals are the same the world around...and the movie just didn't surprise me. Maybe it would surprise you though.
2) Have I ever told you I went to Jesus Camp myself? Long story (kinda) short, upon moving to South Carolina my parents enrolled me in a "Science Camp" at a local university. Unwittingly, my parents had enrolled me in "Science Camp" (quotations absolutely necessary) at Bob Jones University. (That name should have knocked you flat with its significance.)
In any case, I had no idea...and I went. A few random moments:
--Opening Lecture, Opening Sentence: "Everything you've been taught in school about science is wrong."
--I decided that I would be cool and swear in front of my roommate on the very first day of arrival. I said to my mother "what is this shit?" and felt cool. My roommate...clearly...was not impressed.
--I wore an alien workshop shirt. The shirt, entitled "Missing Link" had an evolution-progression picture of a monkey, next to an alien, next to a human. One kid pointed out, "ha ha, that's funny." I didn't understand why. And he actually said "ha ha".
--I was locked in a room with a greasy curly haired counselor for 5 hours and forced to memorize and read Bible passages in order to be saved. The problem was, I didn't understand what it meant to be saved...I had never heard the term before, and so I couldn't get out. To this day I still have certain passages memorized.
--We were told on the very first day a very interesting perspective on the world: "As you know, in electromagnetism, positive attracts negative, but positive repels positive. So how does an atom's nucleus stay together if it's all protons, which are all positive? If the rule is right, then they should repel right? Right. This is the power of God's will. God's will is so strong, and so widespread that he holds together every single nucleus together by his will." This is too stupid for words. On so many levels.
--This was my first encounter with anyone who had ever literally believed the Bible. And I simply could not comprehend it. I kept trying to find ways to explain why he would say things like "yes, I believe Noah's Ark is out there somewhere." I was flabbergasted.
--My fat, ginger, tubbo hallmate told me that implanted chips in the back of your hand or in your forehead are the mark of the beast...and that any good Christian would die rather than have those implanted.
--I had a blonde friend, who looked suspiciously like Jonathan Brandis (but with more...vacant eyes). The insult we mutually used against each other, in a friendly way, was "Bufflehead." Buffle isn't another word for Ass, or Butt, or Shit. A bufflehead is a bird. We saw a bird in a case...a Bufflehead...and I believe it began when I said something to the effect of "Hey Jonathan Brandis, YOU'RE A bufflehead!" after which his eyes lit up and he latched on. Look it up. I'm not making this up.
I felt haunted by this experience for a very long time, and didn't realize until several years after that it was traumatic in its own way. I simply did NOT understand what was going on. I never comprehended that the universe contained people who were like this. And I was a fucking 8th grader who didn't know his ass from his left nostril, and I was speechless. And I'm not talking about a smart, worldly 8th grader. I'm talking about an 8th grader who was an absolute idiot.
Note: In the previous and subsequent summers, I also attended Chinese Camp (2 times), and Academic Team/Quiz Bowl Camp (3 times). Thus, I didn't get laid 'til I was 18.
3) The Amish
Disclaimer: My whole burgeoning anti-gun thing began about week before the sudden media attention to gun control (albeit sparked, in part, by watching "Lord of War"). So while I freely admit that many of my topics and issues come from other sources...the gun stuff isn't media saturation. It's just good sense.
This Amish shooting comes at an interesting intersection (only for me), in that it took place in the midst of my growing awareness of the idiocy of the gun lobby and gun policy in this country, as well as the nature of Christian faith in America. Andrew Sullivan has an interesting name for this particular brand of Christianity that dominates politics, which he calls Christianism...which I think it fitting given the Islamic/Islamist distinction, so I'll stick with it.
In any case, I may have been misinformed by media reports of the reaction, but the Amish seemed to have dealt with this ineffably brutal tragedy with unbelievable amounts of forgiveness, tolerance, and calmness. I believe that the responses from the community were essentially calls to forgive the killer, not to hate him. It was reported that someone was teaching children that "We must not think evil of this man" at the funeral. In addition, the Amish have not gone on television, they have not called for press conferences, they haven't called for revenge or sought a scapegoat, or had any perfectly reasonable reactions to this incident -- they haven't done anything but suffer and forgive. I mean, I'm sitting here completely detached from the situation and I'm hoping that this guy's eyes, ears, genitalia, and intestines are being torn from his body by red-hot hooks in hell. (although technically the existence of such a hell doesn't bode well for me)...and these people who were so utterly violated by such an inhuman infliction of loss...were able to muster up forgiveness...I'm stunned. If someone took my family or someone I loved in such a pointless, arbitrary, and horrific manner, I would have no other goal in my life from that moment forward than to inflict as much misery on that person as possible until they take their own life. I'm in awe...
...This seems like Christianity, as intended, as something of value.
Drinking: As you can tell, the mood of my post shifted radically from start to finish...mainly because I emptied half a bottle of wine. There are so many french words on this bottle that I don't even know what the name is...but it did score a 90 on the Wine Spectator rating...it's called, I believe...2004 Cotes du Ventoux (appellation) by J. Vidal-Fleury, a red Rhone Wine. I think it's great.
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