The Past Few Weeks.

The last few weeks have been pretty good, I must say. Of course there have been some pretty bad downsides, like having to end the fun that is summer, returning to Cambridge, returning to Harvard, returning to classes, moving far away once again from AJ and returning to long distance, and getting my asses handed to me in class everyday.

On the other hand, things could be worse.

So we begin with my roadtrip back to Cambridge. My mother decided it would be fun for her to tag along with me and make a 5 day road trip with me back to school (note: the driving would only take 2 days). All in all, it went fairly well. I could tell she was really treasuring the time, mostly because she kept saying "I treasure this time", but I think that small things like that are all she would ever really ask from me, so I am glad to give them. We drove up through to Baltimore to see Hass (my brother), I slept 3 hours on his couch, then we drove up to New York to visit my East Village abode and spent 3 hours cleaning the apartment to be sure to get our security deposit back, then drove up to Boston (I slept 4 hours on the bed), then we spent an entire day touring the city in all its touristy glory (ie. Chinatown and old Boston), and then came home to my apartment to clean (I slept 3 hours on the couch), then spent a whole nother day cleaning the apartment and visiting Harvard Campus, where my mom took it upon herself to buy one Harvard jacket, one harvard Hoodie, three Harvard pens, and one Harvard T-Shirt. This is on top of her pre-existing Harvard Vest and a Harvard collared T-shirt. (She is much happier about Harvard thing than me. But then again, she also bought me an iPod, so all is forgiven.)

And that brings me back to school. Which did not start well. The whole first few days back, I felt like I had been immediately transported back into the shell and personality that I had all of last year. Solitary, purposely ignoring people, basically drifting like a shadow through campus and having as little contact as humanly possible with my surroundings all the while wishing that I had some friends of some sort. I hated seeing common areas filled with talking people, I hated the gatherings by the stairs, I hated watching the people play beach volleyball, those going to happy hours at the student center, those talking about what they did last weekend etc. It truly was miserable last year. The new year didn't seem to start out all that well either. I would be sitting with a group of transfers, and all sorts of other students would stop by and chat with the people at my table, and they would all seem to know each other except for...of course...me. And of course you run through the "Hi, I'm J." "Hi, I'm [Nathaniel/Edith/Rupert/Ivanka]" and then we would return to our mutual state of not knowing each other and never speaking or acknowledging each other again. Ever. Then there was the constant fear of running into people I kinda sorta talked to at the firm, but not really...and wondering if I had to do a stop-and-chat with them (which I wanted to avoid), or if I could just say hi, or if I should just ignore them, at which point we would pass into a state of awkward and artificial mutual nonexistence until we were forced to be together at the firm. And of course, there is the moment where someone else is sitting at your table, you try to introduce yourself, and as it comes out of your mouth, someone manages to inadvertently distract the person so that they don't hear the "Hi, I'm J. by the way" (while everyone else did), and you really can't do it again. So you sit there.

On some days, I suspect i suffer from some sort of mild social anxiety disorder. On other days, I suspect I'm the coolest mother fucker in the world. On most previous days at Harvard, I suffer from a moderate to severe form of social anxiety disorder (verbalized as disdain for Harvard students....which, ok, sure, I do have some of.

The truth is I always felt like Harvard took something away from me. It wasn't the fault of the school or the people necessarily, but I felt like I lost a big piece of my soul here. I lost my will to do good work. I lost my ability to talk to people. I lost my ability to make friends. I lost my willingness to reach out and speak up. I just felt very alone, very isolated, and trapped. The circumstances I was in were so miserable and so new to me that I realized it was quite possible that I had possibly locked myself into some mode that could be the beginning of the rest of my life. That I would be this way forever. That there was no guarantee, and certainly no reason to think that life would get better again, because we dictate a lot of how we feel about our own lives, and my fear, anxiety and all around insecurity kept me from ever breaking the mold...and made me wonder if I would ever summon the courage to fix it.

This summer made me realize that such a state was not permanent. Spending time with AJ in New York, freeing myself from (what I perceive as) the judgmental eyes of Americans in Hong Kong, living in a place where the variety and craziness of people is so diverse and in such a broad range that I could do and be whatever I wanted (NY), and going to the beach with a lot of the people I feel most comfortable with and care about most....all really brought me back to me. At which point I came back to Cambridge and promptly felt myself shutting down, feeling anxious, and feeling awful as I sat silently staring off into the distance while everyone else around me happily socialized. (Of course, I pretend that I'm just feeling tired, or feeling quiet...but it's always the same. I just don't know what to say.)

Now that all sounds really dire, but three days preceding the first have been a drastic improvement. An improvement so drastic and so welcoming, that I think it's fairly safe to say the whole storm has passed, and that "summer Jay" has returned and may have some space to grow in Winter Harvard. (I say Winter Harvard both because it sucks and it's cold, but also because it's REALLY FUCKING COLD.) I actually seem to be quite the social busy bee these days with flag football, drinking on weeknights with friends (every night this week), and generally being in close and frequent contact with a lot of people. It's nice to feel like I actually have friends again, even if for a moment. I never realized how easy it is to end up alone and to feel isolated, but I don't think I will ever again take for granted what it's like to have friends.

Anyhow, next time I will post something about my classes and my journal. (Both of which are going to KILL me.)

Hope that wasn't too boring.